Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
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I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere