@Dutch_50

Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?

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@Smethanie

Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor

@the_moonface

I touch myself when I think of you.

It’s not what you’re thinking, I’m mostly scratching my head wondering what I saw in you.

@Playing_Dad

*consoling friend who is a baker*
I’m really sorry about the fire at your bread shop. Looks like your business is toast now.

@DecantAndPour

I drink a glass of red wine a day for health benefits.
The other 7 glasses are just for me.

@CrackYouWhip

My workout schedule:

1. Run half mile
2. 10 reps of 5 lb. hand weights
3. 35 year break
4. Protein shake
5. Repeat

@sarah1mc

I run faster when I hear country music than sirens.

@jctwritesstuff

Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*

Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!

@DearAuntAbby

Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us

@GFGander

Sucks when good bands have dumb names.

“What are you listening to?”

“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”

“…”

@TDeeRock

Dating tip: find a guy with a compatible charger.