If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
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Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?