@trentistweeting

“Hey Iron Man, how’d you get your powers?”
*flashes back to tony stark being bitten by a radioactive ironing board*

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@notalogin

[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:

@FredTaming

[ english class ]

me: this is useless, i’m outta here

*20 years later*

judge: please rise for your sentence

me: my what

@JohnJSalomone

I love when pets sigh like a human. It’s like. Oh? Are you stressed? Did you work today? Just laid around did nothing and ate food ? That’s what I thought

@pleatedjeans

Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?

@EliBraden

“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz

@aveuaskew

Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?

@abhorrent_wife

All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.

@NichollsTerence

I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.

@tastefactory

COP: Damn I left my regular handcuffs at home, all I have is these candy handcuffs. I trust that u won’t eat ur way out of these
CROOK: Sure

@ArfMeasures

DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?

ME: Haha of course that’s

BARISTA: Latte for Rachel

ME: not true, Rachel

DATE: That’s not mine

ME: DAMN IT