X – Single
X – Married
X – It’s complicated
X – In a relationship
✅ – Not falling for that shit again…
“Hey Iron Man, how’d you get your powers?”
*flashes back to tony stark being bitten by a radioactive ironing board*
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The doctor told me I need to rest so I dropped the kids off at his office & now he won’t stop calling me as if that’s going to help me rest.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Therapist: resentment is like drinking poison in the vain hope it makes your enemies sick
Me: not if I’m banking on them eating my body
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
The light above my desk is going out. I feel like I’ve been at a really boring rave for the last 7 hours.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
I believe the Pope did what all Catholics are told to do. Pull out early.