@trentistweeting

“Hey Iron Man, how’d you get your powers?”
*flashes back to tony stark being bitten by a radioactive ironing board*

You Might Also Like

@freakyenough

X – Single
X – Married
X – It’s complicated
X – In a relationship
✅ – Not falling for that shit again…

@outsmartedmommy

The doctor told me I need to rest so I dropped the kids off at his office & now he won’t stop calling me as if that’s going to help me rest.

@murrman5

*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”

@BoobsRadley

Therapist: resentment is like drinking poison in the vain hope it makes your enemies sick

Me: not if I’m banking on them eating my body

@AmericanGent69

When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.

This is why I have trust issues.

@courtneyno

The light above my desk is going out. I feel like I’ve been at a really boring rave for the last 7 hours.

@SaddleLawman

Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.

@TheBoydP

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.

@jwoodham

JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.

@beingtheo

I believe the Pope did what all Catholics are told to do. Pull out early.