“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
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Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
These 3D printers are insane!
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
#SuperBowl