hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
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She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Damn what did I do next
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE