@hell_doe

hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”

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@ArfMeasures

Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
?????

Not a bad book. Prose and cons.

@richardmarx

Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.

@Marlebean

My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.

Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.

@Angibangie

A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.

@AnOrangeSNES

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.

@causticbob

At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”

@CatsVsHumanity

Life Lessons From Cats:

• take more naps

• rules were meant to be broken

• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared

• always demand respect

• if you have an itch, scratch it

• find joy in the simple things

• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it

@Mazificient

Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?

@heat_packingDr

Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.

Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!

@Laser_Cat

God: Build me an ark.

Noah: A what?

God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.

Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?