hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”

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Amazon Review: A History of Criminals

Not a bad book. Prose and cons.


Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.


My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.

Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.


A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.


Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.


At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”


Life Lessons From Cats:

• take more naps

• rules were meant to be broken

• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared

• always demand respect

• if you have an itch, scratch it

• find joy in the simple things

• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it


Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?


Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.

Cop..You been drinking?
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!


God: Build me an ark.

Noah: A what?

God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.

Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?