hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”

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Not to brag, but at least six men have described me as “terrifying.”


No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.

Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.


*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*


This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?

Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.


Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.


ME: and what are we going to do next time?

7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard

M: and for you?

7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911


Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.


My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”


I’ve just turned a mortgage payment into wine.

Your move, Jesus.