HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
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Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
#MeanwhileInCanada
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?