@TheChalls

Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.

Why not? We’re roofers.

Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.

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@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?

4-year-old: You!

Me: Who’s your favorite dad?

4: Mom.

So close.

@RandomlyMJ

Thanks to Twitter I will never again ask a man “What are you thinking?” Because now I know and I am horrified.

@BrucioMcCulloch

when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”

@beckybbarr

There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.

@DVSblast

OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.

@joeljeffrey

This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360

@jonnysun

DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER