Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
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This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Thanks to Twitter I will never again ask a man “What are you thinking?” Because now I know and I am horrified.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
I wonder if there’s a giant cucumber out there thinking about me too.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER