A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
You Might Also Like
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
[after watching 1 episode of a show where i paid attention roughly 10% of the time] This show sucks I don’t understand what’s happening at all
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement