@nachosarah

hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected

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@Gre_Gone

[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!

@Crunk_Jews

[first date]

Her: I like a guy who gets a little nasty

Me: [puts hand sanitizer away] I used a gas station bathroom once

@Toofpick78

Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right.

Here I am stuck in the middle of this Batman themed children’s party.

@HomeWithPeanut

Wife: What is that?

Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?

Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!

Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.

@IndecisiveJones

me: all I know is that to me, you look like you’re having fun, open up your lovin’ arms, watch out here I come

other kids: ok no, you’re not allowed to play red rover anymore

@jonnysun

“911 wats ur emergency”
hi– huh? um– so, uh– ah. oh geez. well im only just now realizimg that the girl at the bar gave me a fake number

@badteacher4u

I tried playing hide-n-seek with my friends newborn and now I’m not allowed back inside that hospital 🙁

@michael_raphone

[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together

@KeetPotato

doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]

@fro_vo

Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot