hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected

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A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.


I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.

Me: you are laundry, stop talking


*Me getting pulled over*

Me:license and registration please?

Guy police officer :I pulled u over..

Me:do u really want to argue with me?


My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.


normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”

big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”

exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”

galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis


If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.


Medical form: Height?

Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.

Medical form: Sex?

Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.


[after watching 1 episode of a show where i paid attention roughly 10% of the time] This show sucks I don’t understand what’s happening at all


“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.


BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement