hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected

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[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!


[first date]

Her: I like a guy who gets a little nasty

Me: [puts hand sanitizer away] I used a gas station bathroom once


Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right.

Here I am stuck in the middle of this Batman themed children’s party.


Wife: What is that?

Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?

Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!

Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.


me: all I know is that to me, you look like you’re having fun, open up your lovin’ arms, watch out here I come

other kids: ok no, you’re not allowed to play red rover anymore


“911 wats ur emergency”
hi– huh? um– so, uh– ah. oh geez. well im only just now realizimg that the girl at the bar gave me a fake number


I tried playing hide-n-seek with my friends newborn and now I’m not allowed back inside that hospital 🙁


[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together


doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]


Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot