@nachosarah

hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected

hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected

- @nachosarah

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me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do

barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!

me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.

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on halloween we dress up as skeletons but every other day of the year our skeletons dress up as us

cop: you know you have the right to remain silent right

@juliussharpe

Count Chocula cereal is the perfect combination of breakfast and fear.

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[job interview]
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i havent decided yet

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@theshantilly

Him: What are you doing?

Me: Tweeting.

Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.

Me: *stare*

Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*

@kimtopher22

I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.

@IRLPepperMD

[911 call]
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@robdelaney

Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.

@dhilliard74

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