@BigJDubz

Hey, John Wick, I heard the coronavirus saying bad things about your dog

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@curlycomedy

You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.

@birbigs

if aliens show up and they’re nice, we’ll take them captive. and if they’re mean, they’ll take us captive. anyway, happy thanksgiving.

@Cpin42

[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a pack animal.

Wolf: what does that mean?

God: it means you live with other wolves.

Wolf: like all the time?

God: yep!

Wolf: d-do I have to?

God:

Wolf:

God:

Wolf: [slides $20 across table].

God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.

Wolf: yay : )

@felixoshea

He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.

@ddsmidt

Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?

Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.

Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.

Me: *death glare*

@garrydavenport

“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.

@causticbob

Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?

If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.