@BigJDubz

Hey, John Wick, I heard the coronavirus saying bad things about your dog

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@thenatewolf

*angrily throws glass of bourbon into the fireplace*

I’M SORRY MY RUDE WIFE DIDN’T OFFER YOU A DRINK, MR. FIRE!!!!

@TheToddWilliams

[office]

ME: I’m back from vacation!

BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!

ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days

@AbbyHasIssues

I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.

@LittleMissAngr1

Excited to announce that I am running for city council! Oops, typo. I am running from city council!

@Vodkantots

Get your therapist to start taking you seriously by pulling a donut out of your purse.

@captainkalvis

Me [sees a lemonade stand]: one sec i’m pulling over

Other EMT: *stops giving CPR* oh hell yeah

@ShortSleeveSuit

[at a movie theater]

Cashier: Can I help u?

Me: One large cornpop please

C: Sir it’s the other way around

Me: Ok- can I help u?

@SSparklesDaily

Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“