*angrily throws glass of bourbon into the fireplace*
I’M SORRY MY RUDE WIFE DIDN’T OFFER YOU A DRINK, MR. FIRE!!!!
Hey, John Wick, I heard the coronavirus saying bad things about your dog
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ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Excited to announce that I am running for city council! Oops, typo. I am running from city council!
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Get your therapist to start taking you seriously by pulling a donut out of your purse.
Me [sees a lemonade stand]: one sec i’m pulling over
Other EMT: *stops giving CPR* oh hell yeah
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“