Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
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I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Cat 1: Are the humans asleep?
Cat 2: It appears so.
Cat 1: I shall now sing the anthem of my people.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
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They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.