If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
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nothing like a slow cooked sausage
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books