@lisaxy424

HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG

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@trumpetcake

I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.

@MichaelAlliman

Cat 1: Are the humans asleep?
Cat 2: It appears so.
Cat 1: I shall now sing the anthem of my people.

@ItsAndyRyan

‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.

@huntigula

Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.

Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*

@divamonroe2uhoe

My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.

@Mom_Overboard

A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.

Thanks for following.

@TheCatWhisprer

They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.

@robdelaney

my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .

@Parkerlawyer

Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.