HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
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Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
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Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man