HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
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No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
😂 amazing answer
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
The glory of fall.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.