Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
You Might Also Like
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
three things we don’t talk about
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
what the