Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!

Kids: Church?

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BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home

ME: please, i have a family


We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right


GROOT: I am Groot.

TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?

GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.

TEACHER: Yes, you may.


[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.



Me: *lying back with mouth full of cotton wool*

Dentist: So what do you do?

Equipment trolley 3ft away: I’m a ventriloquist


[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]

Me: oh no


Eventually the pandemic will be over, and things will go back to something resembling normalcy, and life will go on for those of us who made it through. That’s when I’ll absentmindedly go into a bank wearing a mask and get shot


“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”

*unbuttons pants*

“Not anymore!”