Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
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LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
We’re all getting idioter.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
At least my masseuse has my back.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…