Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
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Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
This is the one
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*