Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
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A roof is a house hat.
this is the best interaction on twitter
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Guy who likes music
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.