Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
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I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
BRO LMFAO
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.