“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
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me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
BaD BoY!!
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Me when my alarm goes off
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.