Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
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I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
i’m still crying at this
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.