Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
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Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Word!
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.