@Bob_Heller

Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”

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@Browtweaten

“You’ve put on weight”:

– Rude
– Causes sadness
– Sadness leads to overeating

“Your Thiccness Rank™ went up”:

– Seems flattering
– Who doesn’t like some curves
– Wait, like military rank?
– Captain Clapcheeks at your service

@mack44_d

Wait – so Nutella isn’t Cinderella’s crazy sister?!

@haleysfalling

accidentally added a “z” to the end of the word “think” in a text and suddenly my jeans are sagging below my ass and i have 3 chains on

@valkalrie

pronouncing milk crates the same way i would socrates

@TheWidowmakerX

It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back

@KalvinMacleod

ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit

@Sassafrantz

Started a pillow fight with my boyfriend, but I forgot that’s where I hide my Oreos.

@RobDenBleyker

“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious