Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
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You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.