[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
You Might Also Like
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder