Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
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Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Probably my best painting.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
PLOT TWIST:
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car