[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
You Might Also Like
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates