The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Hey, little bird! Maybe you wouldn’t have to move your head around so much looking for threats if you didn’t make so much god damn noise!
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Salamanders are the most passive aggressive animal. You grab their tail and they’re like “have that one, I don’t even want it”
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
i had to discipline my pet rock
so yes i have hit rock bottom
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Trees have done a lot of shady things in their lives.
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no