Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
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My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”