*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
You Might Also Like
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist