@iwearaonesie

“Hey look, a corn maze!”

– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze

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@Wine_Honey1

Be careful how much wine you drink, might end up vacuuming the driveway in your panties

@kirbys4losers

I’d rather be with a man who blows his load too soon rather than starts singing too soon in a song. How embarrassing for both of us.

@TheTweetOfGod

1. The truth will set you free.
2. The truth hurts.
3. Being set free hurts.

@jenyb4

The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.

@HogwartsLogics

Me: when is the pizza ready?
Dad: will you wait!
Me: I DID MY WAITING
Dad: oh god no
Me: TWELVE YEARS
Dad: not again
Me: IN AZKABAN

@RowdyBerger

My mom thought my laptop on the floor was a scale. My mom weighs 800 dollars

@dafloydsta

Doc: I’m afraid you got 6 months to live
Me: Why are YOU afraid?
Doc: I’m not
Me: You said you were
Doc: I lied. You got a month. HAPPY NOW?

@Dawn_M_

If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.

@showerfeelings

Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.