Be careful how much wine you drink, might end up vacuuming the driveway in your panties
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
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I’d rather be with a man who blows his load too soon rather than starts singing too soon in a song. How embarrassing for both of us.
1. The truth will set you free.
2. The truth hurts.
3. Being set free hurts.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Me: when is the pizza ready?
Dad: will you wait!
Me: I DID MY WAITING
Dad: oh god no
Me: TWELVE YEARS
Dad: not again
Me: IN AZKABAN
My mom thought my laptop on the floor was a scale. My mom weighs 800 dollars
Doc: I’m afraid you got 6 months to live
Me: Why are YOU afraid?
Doc: I’m not
Me: You said you were
Doc: I lied. You got a month. HAPPY NOW?
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
– traveling zombies