“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
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beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please