‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
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Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
And that about sums it up.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.