“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”

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It was awkward when she said, “And yet your feet are so big.”


Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?

Me: Janet Jackson. Always.


*covered in blood holding eyeball
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face


Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.


Ladies, if your man says he’ll fix it, he will. There’s no reason to remind him every 6 months.


Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.


“I am not a human garbage disposal”

*eats leftover mac n cheese anyway*

*makes terrible grinding noise after accidentally swallowing fork*


I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold


Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?

Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.