@SimpsonsQOTD

“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”

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@wesjohnson8

It was awkward when she said, “And yet your feet are so big.”

@rn_murse

Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?

Me: Janet Jackson. Always.

@girl_a_whirl

[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face

@Chloestylo

Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.

@lovemyboots111

Ladies, if your man says he’ll fix it, he will. There’s no reason to remind him every 6 months.

@TheBoydP

Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.

@bombsydoll

“I am not a human garbage disposal”

*eats leftover mac n cheese anyway*

*makes terrible grinding noise after accidentally swallowing fork*

@MelvinofYork

I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold

@Laser_Cat

Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?

Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.