Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
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[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
finally
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Yes
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.