My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
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Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
I mean…but I did
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Not all heroes wear capes.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.