Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
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I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.