“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
You Might Also Like
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
WWE is French for “yes”
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.