What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
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Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.