@jonnysun: hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
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@adultblackmale: [i walk up to a woman wearing headphones and take them off her and put them on] nice this song rules. what? sorry, can't talk. headphones on
@roxiqt: [God making spaghetti] ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder? GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
@hazelmotes1: Pink Camouflage: for when you go pheasant hunting on the old cotton candy plantation.
@davidkenny100: Me as the astronaut in that Martian movie: "Day 1 I have enough food to last 459 days" "Day 2 I now have enough food to last 170 days"