@jonnysun

hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for

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@Smug_Lemur

Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol

@BGH70

The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.

I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”

@Home_Halfway

[Dumbo meeting, 1941]

WALT DISNEY: Let’s make a new kids movie
WRITER: Will it be funny?
WALT: No, it’ll be about a sad baby elephant
WRITER: Who tells jokes?
WALT: No, he’s taken from his mom
WRITER: To somewhere fun?
WALT: No, the circus
WRITER: ….everything ok at home, sir?

@michael_raphone

[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together

@psybermonkey

Date: everything ok?

Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife

Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?

Me: tonight if you play your cards right

@PleaseBeGneiss

Date: I’m looking for security

Me: I double knot my shoelaces

Date: but also excitement

Me: together

@AndyAsAdjective

my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”

@hippieswordfish

nice try walmart, like im gonna spend $20 on a skeleton mask when i could easily just peel the flesh and muscle off my face for free

@wheatnik

My bucket list is just the words “afford things” written in orange crayon on a paper towel.

@HRTSMRT

My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.