hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
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Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
How it started How it’s going
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
I bet birds love this building.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream