You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
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A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
6: are snakes just neck?
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
sigh
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.