Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
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call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
It’s the weekend y’all
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.