Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
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Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Blew my mind.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates