If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
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I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
oh shit
groan^2
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.