CASHIER: This bag of chips is open
C: This bag of candy is open
C: This bag of–
M: Look buddy, I know all the bags are open
Hey, mister tambourine man
Play a song for me
But learn another instrument first
‘Cause an entire song on a tambourine
Would be monotonous.
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I gave up carbs four minutes ago and seven people are dead.
St. Patrick’s Day may just be an excuse to drink, but then again so is Ireland.
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
I think if a little girl wants to grow up and be a Tyrannosaurus Rex that’s totally fine, and science shouldn’t stop her.
He said I was average – but he was just being mean.
Why does everyone want me to come out of my comfort zone? I worked really hard to get there.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”nnnExpecting that Father of the Year award any day now