Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
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don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
I’m not average. I’m mean.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs