“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
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If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
The best plant holders?
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?