“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”

mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-

[From outside] LOOFAS!

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I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance by outrunning the cops.


if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me


Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
* the office chair spins around immediately *


If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.


ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!

METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?


“Mommy, why is dinner actually good tonight?” and other things my kids say that make me love and hate them at the same time.


I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
The top ans was
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!


Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.

He also gets 25% off his next rescue.


Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol


{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.