it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
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What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.