There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
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never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.