“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Hey, Morgan Freeman. Donating $1M to Obama’s campaign isn’t going to make him get older faster so you can play him in the movie.
You Might Also Like
Him: Hurt me
Me: Your brother is hotter than you
Me: Not a big fan of the new haircut either
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Seriously…if you need a sign to remind you to wash your hands after taking a shit or piss. Stay home
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
My favorite exercise after a heavy meal is regret.