@JuliaEveHays

Hey, Morgan Freeman. Donating $1M to Obama’s campaign isn’t going to make him get older faster so you can play him in the movie.

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@RickAaron

“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”

@lipstickbrat1

*during sex*

Him: Hurt me

Me: Your brother is hotter than you

Him: I…

Me: Not a big fan of the new haircut either

@mrtiredeyes

Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here

@lolumOKUR

I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole

@djdarrellripley

I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..

#CancelDJDarrellRipley

@RuffaloShuffle

Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”

@VictorscarletJ

Seriously…if you need a sign to remind you to wash your hands after taking a shit or piss. Stay home

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: Take out the trash

Me: Just let me finish this movie

Wife: What are you watching?

Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story

@Mouthy_

My favorite exercise after a heavy meal is regret.