Hey, Morgan Freeman. Donating $1M to Obama’s campaign isn’t going to make him get older faster so you can play him in the movie.

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“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“No. We had him cremated.”


*during sex*

Him: Hurt me

Me: Your brother is hotter than you

Him: I…

Me: Not a big fan of the new haircut either


Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here


I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole


I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..



Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”


Seriously…if you need a sign to remind you to wash your hands after taking a shit or piss. Stay home


Wife: Take out the trash

Me: Just let me finish this movie

Wife: What are you watching?

Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story


My favorite exercise after a heavy meal is regret.