The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
You Might Also Like
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.