Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
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Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.