@freedom2726

Hey! My husband wanted me to let you guys know he calls me his “wined up” toy.

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@mcarmel

If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.

@FlashyPenguin

[on death row]
“what would you like for your last meal?”
“A McRib”
“McRib doesnt come back for 6 more mont…oooh well played!”

@UncleDuke1969

You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.

“A Game of Phones”

@ShesARealGenius

Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.

@Jason_Horton

Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button

@WheelTod

How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:

1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items

@markleggett

A celebrity died? Better take this opportunity to tell everyone a very personal story about that one time you saw them eating falafel.

@Jenny4ashley

1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’