@freedom2726

Hey! My husband wanted me to let you guys know he calls me his “wined up” toy.

Hey! My husband wanted me to let you guys know he calls me his “wined up” toy.

- @freedom2726

You Might Also Like

@nbadag

BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is

@

a:1:{s:7:”retweet”;i:2;}

@better_off_dad

Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.

@Sadieisonfire

I learned how to count cards so I could hustle idiot 4 year olds out of their juice box when we play Go Fish

@philYama

If losing a debate, end a sentence with “see what I did there?”. As your opponent tries to figure it out, hit them with closest blunt object

@Contwixt

A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.

@pauleggleston

I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re very small.

Ant: ok.

God: but really strong.

Ant: how strong?

God: you can-

Ant: can I lift a piano?

God: well-no.

Ant: can I lift a car?

God: no.

Ant: can I lift a-

God: you can lift a leaf.

Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.

@FattMernandez

Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.