*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
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Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
what could possibly go wrong?
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp