“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
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The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Haha! 😂
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂