Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
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If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake