Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
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You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
tornados have been around forever, so just imagine millions of years ago a brontosaurus was flailing around in a twister
[The Price Is Right]
Bob Barker: what do you think the price of this washing machine is
Me:*lips firmly pressed to mic* Right
To successfully fight a bear, strike it firmly in the sternum with an open palm. Congratulations. You are now fighting a bear.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.