HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
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…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
oh my god
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.