@GrantTanaka

HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF

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@daemonic3

Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?

Clerk: Trapper Keeper?

Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.

@KentWGraham

Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.

@Midgetspar

You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.

@Tmoney68

FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.

@Sorrowscopes

Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.

@impaulmccoy

I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.

@TheHyyyype

tornados have been around forever, so just imagine millions of years ago a brontosaurus was flailing around in a twister

@Barknado69

[The Price Is Right]

Bob Barker: what do you think the price of this washing machine is

Me:*lips firmly pressed to mic* Right

@jtrulez

To successfully fight a bear, strike it firmly in the sternum with an open palm. Congratulations. You are now fighting a bear.

@CDMEclairs

Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.