@Hadzilla

HEY OSAMA I FOUND YOUR 72 VIRGINS THEY ARE ALL ON MY TIMELINE TALKING ABOUT STAR WARS

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@preawsaurus

oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.

@longwall26

Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten

@Shen_the_Bird

[first day as a tsa agent]

me: arms up

guy: [t-pose]

me: [hugs him] you have a great flight

@JPLFR80

When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.

@AmericanGent69

Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye

@Fred_Delicious

*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*

@TheHyyyype

finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird

@TheTweetOfGod

The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.

@DaddyJew

My boss doesn’t know it yet but we’re in the middle of an intense game of hide and seek

@clichedout

me: i need an appointment for tomorrow

receptionist: how about 9

me: no i only need one