@Hadzilla
@preawsaurus
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
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@preawsaurus
@longwall26
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
@Shen_the_Bird
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
@JPLFR80
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
@AmericanGent69
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
@Fred_Delicious
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
@TheHyyyype
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
@TheTweetOfGod
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
@DaddyJew
My boss doesn’t know it yet but we’re in the middle of an intense game of hide and seek
@clichedout
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one