@Hadzilla

HEY OSAMA I FOUND YOUR 72 VIRGINS THEY ARE ALL ON MY TIMELINE TALKING ABOUT STAR WARS

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@Swoosh61

Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?

Me: I’d use the elevators

Hiring Manager:

Me: Elevators, Sir.

@mack44_d

16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’

Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’

16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘

Me: *slam

@GlennyRodge

Just answered the door in my underpants. I said “Blimey, a talking door. What are you doing in my underpants?”

@jwoodham

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.

@pannuscorium

My mom is a ginger and my dad is Mexican. I guess what I’m saying is that I can only be killed by some elaborate, magical ceremony.

@capnwatsisname

Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”

@ericsshadow

My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.

@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: “I have never seen this before: You have no bones!”

Me: “Really? Could the x-ray be broken?”

Doctor: “Ignore what I just said.”

@bobvulfov

[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say